Remember that phone interview I had?
I got the job.
And I accepted the job.
And then I declined the job.
Ugh. You guys. Life is so hard sometimes. I’ve cried every day since I accepted that job. I knew it wasn’t right and I still accepted it because it was a cool job. It would be a great experience. I would have great connections.
But you know what? I don’t really desire those things.
I desire consistency and a constant schedule. I desire my calm, quiet, rewarding home life more than anything else in the world. I desire time with Matt. Time to read good books and to cook us dinner each night. If I don’t have those things, anxiety rears its ugly head…and it rears it hard. That job didn’t have those things, which left me in tears; unable to eat or sleep.
Part of me feels guilty for not taking this great “opportunity”. A chance to “advance my career”. More than anything I feel guilty for disappointing this world-renowned doctor and researcher, for telling her YES! and then telling her noooooo. It’s painful.
I find myself thinking about the future…about the kind of jobs I do want. That would make me happy. I see these women who are CEOs and badass executives. Women who start their own creative business with a baby on their hip. Women who fight for the right to equal pay, who want to be respected, feared professionals. They’re so cool and doing really important things……
But it’s just not for me.
And some of those women probably think less of me for truly desiring to never have my career in my top 5 list of most important things in my life. It’s just not how I’m wired. Some of you are probably thinking “Ummmmm why are you getting your MASTERS DEGREE then?” Great question. Because it’s a challenge. Because I think I can still be a great professional, even though when I leave work, I will. leave. work. As in none of it comes home with me. And I won’t sacrifice my home life for my job. I think that having a master’s degree opens up so. many. more. opportunities, and I’m counting on one of those falling into my criteria.
I’d love to be a professor. I’d love to set my own office hours, set my own class schedule. Decide when I grade and when I do not grade. Decide when I create curriculum and when I do not. It’s a goal. A dream.
But all of the other goals and dreams are so much more important, and that’s okay. Right?